Questions and Answers—with Difficulty

I asked men throughout the country to disclose the thoughts and subjects they hesitate to share with their wives. I was amazed. It was like pulling teeth to get men to respond to a simple questionnaire of four questions! Their hesitancy, resistance and brevity of answers confirmed the extent of the male privacy problem. Yet scores of men did contribute significant information.

In response to the question What subject(s) do you think men hesitate most in bringing up or discussing with women?—one attorney gave a summation of his experience with men.

Being able to nudge men into expressing the subjects they most hesitate to bring up or discuss with women is an almost impossible chore. It is tantamount to a confession that men find hard to share. I am an attorney who is a certified legal specialist in family law, and in the 20 years I have been practicing, I have interviewed thousands of men who were experiencing marital problems trying to ascertain what were their chief concerns. If I was lucky, I could barely get the men to identify one subject they hesitated most in discussing with women. Generating conversation was next to impossible, although it was clear that many subjects were of concern. The biggest problem, I think, is simply getting men to discuss any issues at all with women. Certainly some subjects men are less hesitant to bring up or discuss with women than others. I think these include finances, family budget, social activities, sports and to a lesser extent, personal intimacy. If there is one category to define all the subjects that men hesitate to talk about, it would be in the area of emotions. Men do not like to discuss their hurts, stress, lack of accomplishment and questions of their energy. All of these, of course, would fall under the general heading of inability to express personal feelings.

This is how several other men addressed the question:

Anything personal. Particularly anything personal about themselves. I don’t think most men get into much “self-examination.” It’s tough enough to answer questions about how you feel, but it gets much tougher when my wife responds with “Why do you feel this way?”

Our insecurities, weaknesses, fears, vulnerability. So much of our identity (personally and culturally) centers on being strong, on being “the protector.” Sometimes we feel as though we can’t or shouldn’t show our vulnerabilities without compromising our masculine identity, which is, of course, not so (knowing it’s not so is one thing, but feeling that it’s not so is tough).

Emotional intimacy. It is very hard for me to explain to my wife how I feel about things and situations that affect me deeply. I don’t seem to have the right words to say. And even if I could express myself, I would become very vulnerable in front of her. I need to be the man in the house, and men don’t cry in front of their wives.

Fears and insecurities and the sense of inadequacy I often experience. Another subject that’s difficult to discuss is my struggle with lust, though I think my difficulty in discussing it is also rooted in fear: fear of rejection, fear of hurting her, fear of facing my own corruption.

Fear and the Need to Control

It is sad to hear how much of our lives as men is dominated by fear. Ironically, we choose to be controlled by it when what we really want is to be in control of everything in our lives! Men’s emotional withdrawal costs big time.

Robert Hicks said it well: “We can hide in the closets of competition, use emotional walls to protect us or flee from the reality of our deepest fears, but when we do, we flee from our own manhood.”7

Although men camouflage their fears, the telltale evidence of fear surfaces in many ways. Rigidity and explosiveness can be traced to fear, as can obsessive quests and unattainable pursuits.

Excessive competitiveness and personal dumping on themselves for underachievement are reflections of other fears—of losing, failing or being second best.

Men fear being powerless, and will go to extremes to be in control and avoid situations in which they feel out of control. As a result, men are typically seen behind the wheel of a car rather than in the passenger seat, especially if their wives are with them. They seldom admit, “I think we’re lost and had better stop for directions.” Their fear of losing control is evident in the frustration created by slow drivers, waiting in line for a movie or restaurant or postponing visits to the doctor.

Why do men prefer dogs over cats? Have you ever tried to control a cat? You cannot. Cats are incorrigible, and have independent character disorders! If you tell a dog to come to you, it will. Give a cat the same order, and it will stare at you, yawn, lie down or walk the other way. Control! Yes, it’s an issue.

We fear being useless or unproductive, so we stay busy. We may see a purpose in our busyness even if no one else does.

Men fear losing their masculinity or sexual ability, so they hide behind jokes and off-color comments. We hide our fears of being needy and hurt by withdrawing and being even more silent. Our use of facts and logic as a way to live life and function well is a defense against the fear of facing emotions or having them overwhelm us so that we appear weak.8

Notes
1. H. Norman Wright, Understanding the Man in Your Life (Dallas: Word, Inc., 1987), p. 160.
2. Patrick Morley, The Seven Seasons of a Man’s Life (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1995), p. 33.
3. Larry Crabb, The Silence of Adam (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1995), pp. 11, 12.
4. Max Lucado, Six Hours One Friday (Dallas: Word, Inc., 1989), pp. 37, 38.
5. Verne Becker, The Real Man Inside (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House., 1992), p. 15.
6. Crabb, op. cit., p. 176.
7. Cited in Bill McCartney’s, What Makes a Man (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1992), p. 137.
8. Herb Goldberg, Ph.D., What Men Really Want (New York: Signet Books, 1991), pp. 61-62, adapted.
9. Gary J. Oliver, Real Men Have Feelings, Too (Chicago: Moody Press, 1993), p. 37.
10. David Mains, Healing the Dysfunctional Church Family (Wheaton, Ill.: Victor Books, 1992), p. 123.

H. Norman Wright is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Therapist. He was formerly Director of the Graduate Department of Marriage, Family and Child Counseling at Biola University as well as an Associate Professor of Psychology. He has taught graduate school for over twenty-five years at Talbot School of Theology and the Graduate Department of Marriage and Family Counseling at Biola University  Dr. Wright is the founder and director of Christian Marriage Enrichment, a national organization designed to train ministers and lay leaders in counseling and enrichment.

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